All I Want For Christmas...

What do I want for Christmas? My first instinct is to say I want to feel like I've finally caught back up with my life. We adjusted very quickly when we returned from Europe but there is still mail we haven't really dealt with, a big mess in our bedroom from when I was packing, a million hours of television on the Tivo, and I remain behind on Christmas preparations. At a party Saturday night, I was paid a compliment but it also made me worry I've fallen off the weight loss wagon. A nice guy asked me how long it took me to lose the weight, and I asked if he thought I looked like I was done, but then laughed it all off and said, "It's been three years." So maybe this is more of a New Year's resolution, but I have to buckle down asap! Okay, but what I really want for Christmas is some direction in life. I've always just gone with the flow and well, the flow left me hanging a couple years ago. But the truth is I've never known what I really want. Quiet, and not so quiet, rumblings at the store lead me to think it's time now to try to figure out "what's next." I've always felt a little bit silly being the one person working there who doesn't even notice or care when it's pay day, the one person who isn't either in finals right now or wondering how to get back into college, and of course I'm one of the oldest people working there. I knew I didn't fit in, but I bring a lot to the table. I hold that place together at times by thinking quickly on my feet and just being willing to go the extra mile, even though I'm not being compensated for it. I try, and I think I succeed, to be friends with everyone who works there. There's a lot of talking behind people's backs that makes me nervous, I wonder what they say about me when I'm not there.

I've actually gained a lot from this experience. I lost out on an opportunity I was very excited about about a year ago because I lacked customer service experience, and I like knowing I have it now. I've learned a lot about people, human nature, stress, and communication. I've given up things I thought I wouldn't be willing to part with, my Sundays, mainly, and being available for every possible social engagement. I don't make it to the gym nearly as much anymore but being on my feet all day is actually a good supplement to what I do get done. It's nice to know that I can put myself into a really unfamiliar situation and not only make the best of it, but also learn how to really shine.

But it is time to at least start thinking about what will be next. Part of me just wants to do nothing for a while, so I can focus on the remodeling we want to do on our house that no one has any time to research, and for that matter, I'd like to think about the decorating around the house that we never finished. I'd love to be available to drop everything for traveling with CF. However, now that I'm slightly back on my feet and out there in the world, I don't think I should do that. I just wish something would click with me and make me actually want something. That's what I want for Christmas, to WANT something.

Just for the sake of the few people asking and if you want to know what's going on inside my odd little head (er, not so little), here's what I'm thinking might be nice if I can't get that #1 thing on my list (don't worry, I'm not actually expecting you to solve all my problem, or buy me anything for that matter)...

• Pretty coffee table style books (mostly of NYC) to put on my lovely bookshelves we bought earlier this year that remain quite empty. My amazon.com wishlist is full of ideas.
• I'd like a new perfume, I like Aveda's newish higher end scent, but I wonder if it's time to try something different. CF never likes the Jo Malone samples I've had him smell but I think her Amber & Lavender is delicious, even if it was originally designed for a man, it's a unisex scent. And her new scent, White Jasmine & Mint, is also wonderful, I got to smell it several months early because I've made friends with the manager of the nearby boutique (she loves our store).
• This satin clutch is still available in turquoise in the stores, but considering how hard a time I have finding an evening bag I actually like I should probably just go get it. Hmmm...
• There was a cute teapot/cup with a peacock on it at Urban Outfitters, but that design might be gone. I don't need it but you know I want it (thanks Becki!).
  
• Funny how the iPod started out seeming so tiny but now I hate how "big" and "heavy" my 60gig iPod video is when working out at the gym. I wouldn't mind a Shuffle for workout music. Aren't I awful?
  
• They'd be a bit of a splurge but I can't shake the desire for letterpress personal calling cards from Paper Source.
  

But the truth is, there's really very little materials goods that I want that I don't have. So mostly for Christmas I'd like a little taste of direction for the coming year, and to be with the friends and family I love. That's all I really need.